Monday, February 25, 2013

Don't Care

I find I don't care anymore about a lot of things I probably should care about, big things and little.

I don't care what people think of me. Let them think what they will.

I don't care about watching the Oscars. All the speeches about never giving up and the triumph of success in art just sound like the same thing I've heard every year, only now it seems like a lot of empty noise.

I don't care about owning a smart phone. I used to think it would be fun, but now I just think I'd be another one of these people who bury their face in their phone and forget to be wherever it is they're at.

I don't care how I look. Fashion, haircuts, whatever. Used to be fun, trying to figure out how to look pretty, but now I just don't see the point. Why bother?

It doesn't matter. It's all just something more to think about, something trivial, a distraction, a way to occupy my time. I see things more and more as just ways to use up time. Reading and watching movies, deciding to meet up with friends... it's just ways to fill the empty spaces, those time slots that aren't filled by sleep or work.

Never mind that these so-called "trivial" things, these hours of waking that pass so quickly by, are pretty much it. Are pretty much life. If I don't care about them, if I don't care about anything, I'm going to wake up and find it's fifty years from now and I'm still alone and sad and shrugging to myself, saying, "Whatever. It is what it is. Who cares?"

I want to care.

I'm tired of feeling this way, like all color's been bleached out of the world.

I'm tired of being alone.

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