My dad was in a car accident today. A car sped across the intersection as he was going northbound and a big truck was going southbound. The car missed my dad but got clipped by the truck, spun out, and hit my dad's car head-on. The air bag deployed on impact, but the car wasn't done moving; it spun around and slammed into the guard rail on the side of the road, which means the air bag was already deflated when the major impact happened. As a result my dad has some lacerations and major bruising from the seatbelt, but thankfully no punctured lungs or organs. He's at home now, on the recliner in front of the TV. Mom reports that he says his muscles scream when he moves too much, he bit into his tongue badly on impact so they're eating soup for dinner tonight, and of course all those bruises will take time to heal.
He could have died. He could have died and I haven't seen him since July, and I haven't really been myself around him since a couple years ago. And I wish I was a better daughter. I wish this pandemic hadn't happened. I wish my parents could enjoy their retirement. I wish they'd welcome the wonderful person I'm dating into the family the way they welcome my brother's partners.
I've been carrying around so much that it's sitting in my jaw. There's this pressure in the upper jaw. I'd relax the muscle if I knew what to do but I don't. It's like this constant tenseness. I'm clenching even in my sleep sometimes. My body craves aloneness, utter silence.
I don't want to break his heart right after something like this, but I need to tell them. I was hoping to tell them in October so they'd have time to come to terms with Thanksgiving and Christmas. I hate that telling them is like choosing. Maybe I'm just thinking about it that way and putting words in their mouths, but I'm afraid they'll look at it like me choosing - choosing her over them. I already know she sees it that way, as choosing - all this while I haven't told them has been me choosing them over her.
I'm so bad at choices.
¿Por que no los dos?
I love her, and I love them. And I wish they could love each other.
What a broken world we live in.
I'm afraid anymore to hope.
Or like my dad today - the horror of the incident, the miracle of being spared.
(Is that all we have left to hope for? The miracle of being spared?)
