Saturday, February 19, 2011

Bad Bad Day

I'm having a terrible day.

It shouldn't be this terrible. I shouldn't feel this horrible. But it is and I do.

I slept in this morning, watched a bunch of my favorite TV shows, took a walk in the gorgeous weather we've been having, met up with a good friend and had a pleasant evening. But upon returning home, everything feels bleak. I feel closed-in and heavy and dark.

The good news is that this is the first of such days I've had in a couple months now. Back in 2008 in the depths of my depression this was the norm, the every-day. This feeling of panic when there really isn't much to be panicked about. This feeling of worthlessness, or less than worthlessness, because even that word "worthlessness" implies someone has put forth the effort of determining worth. I feel like I'm not even worth that effort. I feel like a joke. I feel small.

Part of it's money concerns. I took out a $5,000 loan to help with grad school but now that I've fallen below half-time enrollment I have to start paying it up. The "6 month grace period" I'm given has turned out to actually be 4 months as they just sent me a notice that I'll have to start payment in April.

I don't mind being poor if what little I have is actually mine. I can get by being poor. What I hate is owing money AND being poor. It's not a very nice combination.

I took a gamble so I could try to write, and now I'm so weary and so distracted with my silly weight loss woes that I haven't been writing. And even if I was writing, it's not good. None of it's good. I should just stop.

I feel so dark and so heavy and so small. I feel like all I do is take up space in a world that would be better off without me. I know tomorrow I'll wake up and the sun will be shining and all of this will have vanished, like fog burned away by daylight. But I feel it now.

Oh how I feel it now.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

I Am A...

I was browsing twitter looking for a review of the new Starkid play "Starship" which just debuted tonight when I spotted someone's Bio box. I've always been bad at filling those things out. One paragraph to give you an idea of who I am? Yeah, I've had 24 years and I still haven't figured that one out... But I liked this particular one. In one or two words or short phrases this girl explained all her likes and fandoms. Brief, concise, and yet wonderfully informative. I won't link to it here (I'm not that much of a creeper), but she did inspire me to try to think of some of my own short descriptors. Here's a list below....

How many do you recognize?

I AM A...

Wild Thing

Frequent visitor to the 100 Acre Wood

Daughter of Eve

American Girl


Sweet Valley alumnus

Card-carrying member of the BSC

Trenchcoat Twins detective

Animated princess in disguise

Nickelodeon junkie

Power Ranger


Warrior for Redwall

Lego architect




Doctor's companion

District 12 tribute



One of the Scoobies (think Slayer, not Shaggy)



Gilmore Girl

The Dalton Academy Warblers' official stalker

Resident of London Below

Amanda Palmer killer

Guest on "Troy and Abed in the Morning"

Pawnee Parks & Rec intern


LEPrecon officer

(Former) resident of Forks, WA

There are many more I should add to the list, but my brain isn't bringing them to mind. Still, it's a fairly exciting list. Much better than the real-life version:



Wannabe author

Total cliche.

We'll have to work on that a bit, won't we?

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

That Time of the Year

It’s that time of the year when the rain comes down,
The time of the year for rain.
The sky unfurls like an ugly grey sweater
Joints ache and wheeze with the pain.

It’s that time of the year when my skin fits too tight
And my thoughts circle round the drain.
It’s the time of the year for cold and drear,
The time of the year for rain.

It’s that time of the year that’s hardest yet,
The time of the year that’s the worst:
When spring is so close and you feel it so much
You know that you’re going to burst.

It’s that time of the year when the rain comes down,
Or frost or sleet or snow.
Or maybe it’s nothing at all coming down,
Just that solemn drab stillness all around
And a promise of change coming in on the breeze,
With its hints of sunshine, that “not quite yet” tease.
Enough of it! Really!
Don’t mean to complain,
But I’m sick to death of the rain.