tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20065067788825926472024-03-13T22:07:35.625-04:00lamplight and shadowsGrace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.comBlogger245125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-89233501918656939022021-05-20T23:06:00.005-04:002021-05-20T23:06:50.037-04:00Bath Mat<p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Today</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">you called out</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“Do you work here?”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">and you told me</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“I need a bath mat.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">and I pointed to the back wall</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">and said, “There they are,<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">down below all the towels.”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“NOT A TOWEL!” you snarled.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“Bath mat. M-A-T.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">You know what a bath mat is, don’t you?”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Like I was the stupidest person in the entire world.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And I need you to know that</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">while today</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I loaded up that mini-fridge for you</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Climbed the ladder in the back room to retrieve<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">that one kind of special rice cooker you wanted<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Broke down over a hundred boxes</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Unwrapped every individual spoon</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Gathered up your used Starbucks cups</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Chirped “absolutely” and “let me scan that for you”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">dozens and dozens of times</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">once, I was a king.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Once,</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">years ago, I stood on a mountain top</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">and all the world was still.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The green hills spread on all sides around me</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The river shone like a mirror reflecting the wide pale sky</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The road snaked down in both directions until it<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">disappeared in the folds of the lowlands</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I felt the magnetic pull of ancient dirt beneath my feet</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And my heart was a full-throated song</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">So yes,</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Here are the bath mats.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I do know what that word means.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Can I help you find anything else?</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Let me check if we have it in the back.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m so sorry but we’re actually out of that.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">No, you can’t buy the display model.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Pardon me while I just squeeze through here.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Hope you have a nice day!</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There was a flower that grew by the roadside</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">on that day<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">up high on that mountain</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">As a king I could have crushed it</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">but no wise king ever would.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5-lSvvY0ZWYt2bT4QDuvGZyOGR9V98kJAXHLVY6sZBIt1cbBJ2PChbqQ7KDnXTG4e1GwGSAie7ON7QpkBJaM3y1CkS4p-oxZHdVtOOAjvCLcsrEZDnKZd4kJO9pvP0ADwLsywnrF9J4k/s2048/Photo+Aug+27%252C+9+05+37+AM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; 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font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-41100475678359283652020-12-18T14:20:00.003-05:002020-12-18T14:44:13.202-05:00Calculations: Five (Bad) Poems from an Age of Pandemic<h4 style="text-align: left;">CALCULATIONS</h4><div><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We have the calculator out</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Trying to figure out</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If we can afford to call out</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">New cases at work.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Three people tested positive,</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Though they’ve only told us about one</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Multiply the time we spend<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">By the value they give it</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Then render unto Caesar</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Next we subtract (rent)</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Subtract (utilities)</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Subtract (groceries)</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">There’s always a forgotten need</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Or a hidden cost</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We can never account for all of it</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The numbers balance in our favor today</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">But even on the days they don’t</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I think we’ll still make that call</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Because the value they give our time</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Is meaningless<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">If our time comes prematurely to its end</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><h4>HAND WASHING</h4></div><div><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We put our belongings in employee lockers </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">(touched by countless other hands)</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">then we clock in on a time clock keypad </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">(touched by countless other fingers)</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We gather a device and walkie talkie </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">(neither of which was probably cleaned),</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">swipe at them with Clorox wipes, </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">and take up a communal pen to sign them out.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>After this, we wash our hands.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We go out and do our jobs. Touching so many boxes. </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Products on shelves.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span style="font-family: inherit;">The handles of ladders. </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Carts and vehicles that may or may not have been sanitized.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">At some point my morning coffee hits me and it’s time for bathroom trip number one.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> <span> <span> </span></span></span>I wash my hands before going<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">because of everywhere I’ve been, everything I’ve touched.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> <span> </span></span>I wash my hands after going<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">because of my own germs.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">More work. More boxes. More merchandise.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It’s time for break. We really should wash our hands before heading to the lockers,</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">but we’ve gotten lazy. We grab our lunch bags from the lockers then head to the sink.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> <span> <span> </span></span></span>We wash our hands.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We snack on our break.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Because our hands have been so close to our mouths,<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">when break is over<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> <span> <span> </span></span></span>we wash our hands again.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">We’re touching everything you’re buying. </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Unpacking, unboxing, shelving.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Hours more pass and it’s time for lunch. </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Repeat.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> <span> <span> </span></span></span>Wash our hands</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Eat</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> <span> <span> </span></span></span>Wash our hands again.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">There may be another bathroom break.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>Wash</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Pee</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>Wash</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">A second fifteen minute break</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>Wash</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Eat</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>Wash</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Then the end of the day</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Clock out</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>Wash</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Gather your stuff from the lockers</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">which could still be germy, so</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span><span> </span>Wash them yet again.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So far we’re at thirteen hand washes a day</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">times 5 days a week (or 6 during the holidays)</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">every week of the year</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Our hands sting. They bleed. They look like gnarled tree bark.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">There’s not enough lotion in the entire world</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">to quench the thirst of our water-scarred skin.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m not a doctor. Not a medical provider.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I realize this could be so much worse.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And I’d rather bear this harsh and stinging pain<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">than leave here in a hearse.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p></div><div><h4>THANKSGIVING</h4></div><div><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Your friend has cancer</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">and she’s been so lonely</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It’s the sort of thing where</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">she found solace in the idea</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">that maybe her friends would</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">visit her when things got bad</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And now things have gotten bad</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">for the whole damn world</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">and out of love for her</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">you stay away</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">What can you say to the loneliness</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">that feels abandoned and betrayed?</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">What can you say?</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And she celebrated Thanksgiving</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">with her family, her husband, her parents,<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">and her sister who has been living with<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">whatever friends will take her in</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">during a period of joblessness</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">It was something of a terrible risk</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And it’s a choice we all have to make</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">though perhaps not to this extreme</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Any closeness right now could be a weapon</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">but factor in to your equation</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">the idea that, yes, this holiday together could kill me</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">but either way this Thanksgiving may also be my last</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">And what can you say to that?</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">There’s nothing to say</span></p></div><div><br /></div><div><h4>WHAT WE TEACH</h4></div><div><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">My friend is an ESL teacher in Spain</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">There’s an outbreak at her school</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Five students and two teachers sick</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">But the city mayor is a fool</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">They’re not allowed to cancel class</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">She’s got symptoms, but can’t call out</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">It’s the last week before Christmas break</span></i></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">Just—make it through somehow!</span></i></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><i></i><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Tests aren’t available ’til January</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Which holds its own moral conundrums</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">To line up for hours with others getting tested</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Means she fears to both infect them <i>or</i> catch from them</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The children she teaches are rather young</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">They need help with the scissors and glue</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">They don’t understand social distancing</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">She doesn’t know what to do</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">That same dilemma as before</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’ll get them sick, they’ll get me sick</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The mayor wants the parents to go to work</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">So the schools have to babysit</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">What is this teaching the children, I wonder?</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">A moral system devoid of empathy?</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">That “compassion” comes before “money,”</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">but only in the dictionary</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p></div><div><h4>NO MATTER WHAT I DO</h4></div><div><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">No matter what I do</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’m putting someone at risk</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I can go to the store</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">but the clerk there</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">has no choice but to come in</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I can order delivery</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">but the delivery person</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">has to pick it up for me</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I could never leave my house</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">but somewhere a person</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">is being paid to gather items from my shopping list</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">a driver</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">is being paid to transport the boxes that contain them</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">a postal worker</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">is being paid to bring them to my door.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Me staying in requires<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">others to be out in the world</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I can’t control others’ choices</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">I can only control my own</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">which is why my calculations</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">keep letting me down</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">There’s no number I put in</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">or scenario I run</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">where the end result is</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">zero damage done</span></p></div>Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-54901365251002183042020-10-17T19:32:00.002-04:002020-10-17T19:32:19.787-04:00Los Dos<p>My dad was in a car accident today. A car sped across the intersection as he was going northbound and a big truck was going southbound. The car missed my dad but got clipped by the truck, spun out, and hit my dad's car head-on. The air bag deployed on impact, but the car wasn't done moving; it spun around and slammed into the guard rail on the side of the road, which means the air bag was already deflated when the major impact happened. As a result my dad has some lacerations and major bruising from the seatbelt, but thankfully no punctured lungs or organs. He's at home now, on the recliner in front of the TV. Mom reports that he says his muscles scream when he moves too much, he bit into his tongue badly on impact so they're eating soup for dinner tonight, and of course all those bruises will take time to heal.</p><p>He could have died. He could have died and I haven't seen him since July, and I haven't really been myself around him since a couple years ago. And I wish I was a better daughter. I wish this pandemic hadn't happened. I wish my parents could enjoy their retirement. I wish they'd welcome the wonderful person I'm dating into the family the way they welcome my brother's partners. </p><p>I've been carrying around so much that it's sitting in my jaw. There's this pressure in the upper jaw. I'd relax the muscle if I knew what to do but I don't. It's like this constant tenseness. I'm clenching even in my sleep sometimes. My body craves aloneness, utter silence.</p><p>I don't want to break his heart right after something like this, but I need to tell them. I was hoping to tell them in October so they'd have time to come to terms with Thanksgiving and Christmas. I hate that telling them is like choosing. Maybe I'm just thinking about it that way and putting words in their mouths, but I'm afraid they'll look at it like me choosing - choosing her over them. I already know she sees it that way, as choosing - all this while I haven't told them has been me choosing them over her.</p><p>I'm so bad at choices.</p><p><i>¿Por que no los dos?</i></p><p>I love her, and I love them. And I wish they could love each other.</p><p>What a broken world we live in.</p><p>I'm afraid anymore to hope.</p><p>Or like my dad today - the horror of the incident, the miracle of being spared. </p><p>(Is that all we have left to hope for? The miracle of being spared?)</p>Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-90203270818842960522020-04-29T17:43:00.000-04:002020-04-29T17:43:37.159-04:00ExtinctionExtinction is a brainsick animal<br />
It gorges, it consumes, it's one vast maw<br />
A locked-open jaw, swallows in one gulp<br />
A greed beyond survival<br />
A black hole of devouring, extinction is<br />
<br />
Extinction is a forgotten glacier<br />
It melts, it shrinks, it's the tortoise at the finish line<br />
Out of sight and out of mind, slow yet unceasing<br />
An elephantine blind spot<br />
Oblivion dangling in a single drop, extinction is<br />
<br />
Extinction is the absence you'll never fill<br />
It's endless, it's immutable, it's an echoing hall<br />
the sands surrounding Ozymandias' pedestal, forgotten songs<br />
Alphabets of redemption no one left can read<br />
A mirror: empty, yet full of stunning clarity, extinction isGrace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-48048735116035216502019-08-20T00:17:00.001-04:002019-08-20T00:29:09.193-04:00the monster at the heart of the worldAnd the monster at the heart of the world<br />
stretches out a claw<br />
slices your heart clean open<br />
and the blood spatters down<br />
like tear drops<br />
and where it falls<br />
new flowers grow<br />
<br />
Are they poison?<br />
It's a risk<br />
(<i>isn't life</i><br />
<i>isn't any of this?</i>)<br />
<br />
They smell lovely<br />
and I'm hungry<br />
(<i>where did you go?</i><br />
<i>why did you go?</i>)<br />
<br />
It's your own future, it's your own life<br />
wield your machete<br />
hack with your knife<br />
snip away all you won't miss<br />
carve a path<br />
Do not apologize<br />
Do not look back<br />
<br />
Is it crazy?<br />
It's a risk<br />
(<i>isn't life?</i><br />
<i>isn't any of this?</i>)<br />
I'm just tired.<br />
I don't know.<br />
(<i>where did you go, friend?</i><br />
<i>why did you go?</i>)<br />
<br />
<br />
.<br />
<br />
<br />
For Megan Burnett<br />
May 2, 1989 - August 18, 2019Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-86029993256958549152019-08-07T22:28:00.002-04:002019-08-07T22:28:51.181-04:00KeyholeAs I was paying for my purchases at Food Lion tonight, the cashier, a young black woman with a clean-shaven head, big red-framed glasses, and a delightful smile, glanced down and spotted the keyhole tattoo on my ankle.<br />
<br />
"What's the significance of the keyhole?" she asked.<br />
<br />
I shrugged and stammered. I've struggled with trying to explain it before. I said something along the lines of, "It's a long story. It has a special significance for me, with a certain loved one."<br />
<br />
"Ah," she nodded knowingly, slipping the bag with my bread and tortilla chips into the cart.<br />
<br />
As I thanked her and was about to walk away, she added, "Does someone else have the key?"<br />
<br />
She meant a tattoo, perhaps on their ankle. That would be cute. Especially for a couple to do. She couldn't have meant the other meaning, my meaning, the real answer to her questions.<br />
<br />
"Yes," I said, matching her smile. "Yes they do."Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-14619061308716617742019-07-26T00:25:00.001-04:002019-07-26T00:25:35.393-04:00Exiled KingsWe share a world<br />
We share a sky<br />
<br />
(<i>I'd rather share a kiss though, wouldn't I?</i>)<br />
<br />
We share a laugh<br />
We share a sigh<br />
<br />
<i>(I'd rather share a life</i>.)<br />
<br />
(She's magic and I'm embers<br />
Nobody here remembers<br />
I used to be a flame<br />
But now I struggle daily<br />
To live up to the promise<br />
Of my extraordinary name.)<br />
<br />
Exiled kings. That what he said we are<br />
Maybe my crown was broken for a reason<br />
Maybe I was sent away to stay forever<br />
I've bent my head and knelt before you<br />
Queen of my heart, I adore you<br />
But deserve you? Never.<br />
<br />
We share a distance<br />
We share a pang<br />
<br />
(<i>I'd rather share a name.</i>)<br />
<br />
We share a past<br />
We'll share a present soon, together<br />
<br />
(<i>I'd rather share forever</i>.)Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-26774353850703556752019-04-17T22:54:00.000-04:002019-04-17T22:54:54.055-04:00Cathedrals Are Burning<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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<br />
Notre Dame burned the other day.<br />
<br />
The world mourned. In the days to follow, wealthy donors reached out to offer assistance for the restoration of glorious architecture and works of art that were damaged in the blaze. Among those to offer assistance was the U.S. White House.<br />
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When I heard this I was angry. I couldn't express my anger well. I posted a link to the article and all I could think to write in the haze of my rage were the words "Puerto Rico" in all caps repeated five times. We couldn't spare the money to help those American citizens whose lives were left in ruins in the wake of Hurricane Maria, and yet we could send money to France to restore the ruins of Notre Dame. And friends added more names in the comments, Flint and Standing Rock most frequent among them. Not to mention countless other cities where young black men are murdered by police on a regular basis, or where schools and public events have become the sites of tragic mass shootings at the hands of crazed gunmen while lawmakers sit back and do nothing to prevent the cycle from continuing.<br />
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These thoughts were like fuel on the fire, and my rage burned that much hotter and higher.<br />
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Please understand: I'm grateful to those who would work to restore this holy place that is such an important symbol to the French people. My rage is not directed toward them, or their acts of generosity. But it is directed at an underlying attitude that influenced their decision-making. You see, priceless works of art were worth doling out thousands and millions of dollars to rescue. Human beings were not.<br />
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I think every heart's a cathedral.<br />
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I think every human person that walks this Earth is a priceless treasure trove of irreplaceable and unfathomable value.<br />
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It was people who painted those paintings and sculpted those sculptures and built those tall walls and soaring ceilings and erected that stunning steeple atop it all. It is people who admired it, who photographed it and painted it, who made it more than just the sum of its parts, imbuing it with a meaning that stone and metal and wood never had on their own.<br />
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Like Notre Dame, people are soaring and enormous on the inside. They're more dazzling and intricate than the kaleidoscope patterns of stained glass that formed the Rose Window. And like a chapel on Easter morning, a person can "contain multitudes" while also playing host to a hushed and sacred silence.<br />
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People are beautiful, of immeasurable value, unique, unparalleled, inestimably precious.<br />
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Yet we see them vandalized, cut down, and destroyed every day. We see these cathedrals burn on a regular basis, and we do not hurt for them or move to help them. Margaret Atwood's <i>The Handmaid's Tale </i>reminds us that "ordinary... is what you are used to," and so maybe that's it. We see so many cathedrals burning every single day that it just becomes easier to avert our eyes from the blaze.<br />
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This is what I was having trouble trying to say earlier. This is why I feel both saddened at the loss in Notre Dame but more angry in general at these millionaires' responses. I suppose it would be easier to just not care. It makes me want to turn to these people and say to them, as Quasimodo once asked of a gargoyle in Victor Hugo's <i>The Hunchback of Notre Dame</i>, "Why was I not made of stone like thee?"Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-20221217058914745892019-04-17T21:56:00.001-04:002019-04-17T21:56:29.849-04:00Look UpI'll take the blue skies with the grey<br />
There's beauty in each hour<br />
Look up no matter what they say<br />
Hope is both pain and power<br />
The sun gives life, the rain gives life<br />
We need both in their measure<br />
I'll take the splendor with the strife<br />
The labor with the leisure<br />
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I'll take the tragic with the gay<br />
The fertile with the barren<br />
"Look up no matter what they say"?<br />
It seems a fool's errand<br />
For days are long, and nights are long<br />
The Earth won't cease its spinning<br />
I'll take the silence with the song<br />
The end with the beginning<br />
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I'll take joy resplendent, sorrow bare,<br />
Grief that consumes like fire<br />
But I will not accept despair<br />
Because it is a liar<br />
Look up no matter what they say<br />
Hope is both pain and power<br />
And given time, and sun, and rain<br />
A seed becomes a flower<br />
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<br />Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-72830882933817215762019-04-09T01:22:00.004-04:002019-04-09T01:22:50.318-04:00Sam's StarSince January 2018 I've been logging my steps, "journeying with Sam and Frodo" with the Walk to Morder app. I've found it hardest during the long middle sections where it doesn't seem like a lot is happening, and tend to look forward most to the milestones that align with favorite moments from the books. Sam's star has been the one I've been waiting for since the beginning. It's one of my favorite moments not only in Lord of the Rings but in literature as a whole.<br />
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I reached it today. I also found out today that Vanessa has stage four metastasized osteosarcoma and has 6-24 months to live. Tomorrow is her thirtieth birthday.<br />
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It seems a cruel joke to reach a milestone that's all about hope in the darkest of circumstances on a day like today. But I do sincerely believe that there is light and high beauty forever beyond the Shadow's reach. Even on days when the clouds don't part and I can't see it.<br />
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<br />Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-55504415603736526122019-03-21T01:11:00.001-04:002019-03-25T16:37:12.506-04:00I Don't Want This LifeYou probably remember August 21, 2017 as the day of the total solar eclipse. People nabbed their pairs of the special glasses you could use to look safely at the spectacle. The news covered it. Scientific website livestreamed the event (which I was grateful for, being in Newfoundland at the time and at a poor vantage to view it properly). I spent the day thoroughly cleaning my apartment-style dorm. I was the last of the roommates to leave, and thus responsible for making sure the public areas passed muster when the school did their end of term inspections. I was due to leave for a trip to Ireland (half research, half pleasure) the next morning, and was interspersing my bouts of cleaning with revisions to the ethics proposal I must have approved for this trip's research to even be permissible. I felt the normal amount of stress such a situation would foster, but nothing crazy.<br />
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But apparently I was wrong about that.<br />
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I remember August 21, 2017 as the day I ordered a pizza to eat while I cleaned/studied/watched the solar eclipse online, only to discover that I couldn't eat it because every time I started to chew a bite my throat would tighten and I would become convinced I was going to choke on it and die (since no one else was in the apartment, or probably even the dorm building since I had gotten permission to leave two days after everyone else). I had to take tiny bites and chew them double or triple the usual amount of time before I was satisfied I wouldn't choke, and even then sometimes the tightness in my throat made the swallowing painful.<br />
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It was a stress response. Or maybe anxiety. It had to be. I'd never experienced anything like it before and I was a wreck. Eating is, for better or for worse (usually for worse), the thing I turn to for comfort when I am stressed. To have it become a manifestation of my worry and fear and dread to the point that I couldn't properly consume sustenance - well, that was new levels of awful for me.<br />
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Tonight I'm feeling a bit like that. I'm not eating now. I'm trying to go to sleep. But my throat is closing up and I feel a tightness in my body but especially near my lymph nodes, and I'm getting the sniffles and a sore throat and I've been exhausted all week and I'm wondering if I'm getting sick or again if this is just a manifestation of all my worry. I just got done moving and now I have to move again. I need to do my taxes, twice because of two separate countries. I have a wonderful girlfriend and I want to keep her happy with this long distance thing until my trip to visit her at the end of April, but it's a trip which will probably mean I can't pay my bills the next month. I'm moving into a house where I'll probably have less space for my stuff and have to pay more money, but I have no choice in the matter because my roommate decided she was moving without really consulting me. I need to apply for a new job that will pay me enough so that I can actually afford to pay my bills and not go in debt buying gas and groceries each month, and even have enough leftover to start paying off my debts, but again - trapped.<br />
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I feel overwhelmed and helpless and like I have no agency in my own life. And I hate it.<br />
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I feel like I messed up my entire life to the point that I'm never going to have anything or do anything or be anything worthwhile and I might as well just give up.<br />
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I'm tired and I can't sleep. Just like a year and a half ago I was hungry and couldn't eat. But as the eclipse reminded us that day, the heavenly bodies all keep spinning merrily along. Life continues, even if we suffer.Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-8326996371647906732019-03-01T03:32:00.002-05:002019-03-01T03:35:18.359-05:00την αγαπώΘα την φροντίσω<br />
Θα αγωνιστώ γι 'αυτήν<br />
την χρειάζομαι<br />
Θα τη φιλήσω<br />
Θα την αγκαλιάσω<br />
την αγαπώ<br />
Ναί. Είναι αληθινό<br />
την αγαπώ<br />
την αγαπώ<br />
την αγαπώGrace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-78500752779114433332019-01-18T00:51:00.000-05:002019-02-06T17:50:08.272-05:00Social Media MetaphorsFacebook is like a party in a house of mirrors where you wander around from conversation to conversation. The guest list is bizarre - your grandma is here, and your friends from college, your coworkers, and maybe even an ex or two. You're expected to be polite, but things can often devolve if you bring up politics or religion. It's loud and the lights are low and what you manage to observe is distorted (thanks, algorithm - er, "mirrors"). At a certain point you come to suspect that everyone's amusing party anecdotes, carefully rehearsed for the crowd, are all just different versions of a story you've heard a million times before.<br />
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Instagram is your high school yearbook. All those school portraits that look like you but don't really <i>look</i> like you. Each club photo and team action shot carefully selected to tell a certain story of what happened. Of course, later on when you flip through the photographs you won't remember things as they actually were, just as they were presented here. And what is a yearbook without its signatures? All the "Have a great summer"s and "Be sure to write"s - like, like, like.<br />
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Twitter is a soapbox on a street corner. Only there's a soapbox on every street corner, so really it's a Greek chorus of doomsday prophets shouting endlessly from every crossroads in the city. They're all talking over each other in a terrible racket, and sometimes even though they're saying the same things, and maybe even things you agree with, it's all so terrible that you just want to cover your ears and run to a place beyond crossroads and street corners where you might at last find some peace.</div>
Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-52410197025866877752019-01-18T00:11:00.000-05:002019-01-18T00:11:26.223-05:00The First Line of a Love PoemI will write you the first line of a love poem<br />
But no more, because I don't know what comes after<br />
And I'm afraid if I try to wing it by myself<br />
It'll just be a mess<br />
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Can I hand it off to you?<br />
Can you discover the next bit<br />
The cadence and the line breaks<br />
And when you reach a part that doesn't make sense<br />
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Pass it back to me<br />
And together we'll write something<br />
We'd never have come up with<br />
Otherwise<br />
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And here, I am stuck<br />
I've rewritten this stanza half a dozen times at least<br />
So let me stop struggling to say the unsayable.<br />
Enough.<br />
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I offer this to you with all my love.Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-84668200056399378942018-11-19T23:32:00.002-05:002018-11-19T23:33:04.192-05:00GenrephobiaTonight in the realm of social media I encountered this post:<br />
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I was fortunate at Elon to have some really great Creative Writing professors, but this was still a problem. Not only was genre fiction looked down upon, but it wasn't even addressed in writing courses. You had to take literature courses if you were interested in understanding the inner workings of these particular kinds of tales.<br />
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I always like to throw Ursula K. LeGuin, or Kelly Link, or the aforementioned Terry Pratchett, or Ray Bradbury, or goodness knows how many other authors in the faces of people who sneer at speculative fiction. Those same people usually sneer in general at all "popular fiction," which just makes them sound like hipster kids who can't like a band if more than five people have heard of it.<br />
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This kind of post used to make me fist-pump and shout "Hallelujah!" in acknowledgment. But now I think a touch of the devil's advocate has taken root in my soul. Because the reason my professors in college didn't talk a lot about writing genre fiction is that they were trying to equip us with a toolbox of basic storytelling fundamentals. The trappings of genre are important, but they don't work if you don't have a decent story framework to hang them on. And I begin to realize that many young writers lean too heavily on the features of genre - the unicorns and space ships, the serial killers and ghosts - which weren't designed to hold such weight on their own. Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, Ursula LeGuin and all the rest of them - they write good stories, that just so happen to feature flat planets and Other Mothers and wizards and dragons and all the rest of it.<br />
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There was a guy in one of my classes as an undergrad who decided to ignore the unwritten "no genre fiction" rule and wrote a short story about some teens who encounter the chupacabra in the woods. The parts where he wrote about the chupacabra were great because he was obviously excited about it, but the story fell apart and was ultimately a flop because those descriptions and the sequence of actions weren't grounded properly in a larger narrative that was crafted using the skills our professor was trying to emphasize in the class.<br />
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I think academia in general and creative writing departments in particular have a lot to learn when it comes to acknowledging and teaching genre fiction to students. However, I think memes like this sometimes get a little too gung-ho in condemning the snobbish behavior of such ignorant professors. I think progress lies somewhere in between.Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-37792573905304043432018-11-18T01:45:00.000-05:002018-11-18T01:45:14.619-05:00Or MaybeOr maybe I'm just making excuses for the fact that I was unable to finish my degree in two years. Of the two other Masters students doing a thesis, one finished in 20 months while the other is taking an extra year. Neither had my problem with the student loans though. So I don't know. But basically, I'm a failure. I failed. And trying to put a spin on it like it was "research" for some character arc is low even for me.Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-88829556621541230072018-11-16T01:28:00.000-05:002018-11-16T01:28:35.884-05:00Write What You KnowI've been writing my whole life. I wrote <a href="http://lamplightandshadows.blogspot.com/2014/02/the-golden-cape.html" target="_blank">my first "book"</a> when I was seven. All throughout elementary, middle, and high school I wrote stories - all of whom featured protagonists who were either thinly-veiled versions of myself or basically the person I wished I could be. Most of these stories involved mystery, action, romance, humor, and my favorite word of all time - ADVENTURE.<br />
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The thing with all of these stories is that no matter how outlandish the setting, plot, or characters, the stuff at the heart of the story - the theme, the emotions, the core - that was all me. It came down to what I knew and understood and had gone through. I can make up a fake language or an imaginary kingdom or a race of futuristic robot goblins or whatever, but I can't make up the grief you feel at a deep loss, or the bottomless pit of emotion that fuels teen angst, or the clumsy fumbling tenderness coupled with that squiggly feeling you get in your gut when you look at someone you're attracted to. Those were all things I had to experience before I could put them into words. You can tell the stories I wrote before I'd experienced those things because they weren't real; they were me copying other better writers I'd read, talking about things I didn't know about with a grasp of the language a bit advanced for someone my age. They were good, but not great.<br />
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When I was thirteen I started writing a story about a girl and her two friends who sneak into an abandoned house on Halloween only to find it's not abandoned at all, but home to a strange and spooky man with a lot of otherwordly secrets. When I was fourteen I started writing a story about a girl and her two friends who discover that their favorite fictional fantasy book series was in fact based on true events and that its author had started writing the books as a way to make money upon arriving here many years ago as a refugee from another world. When I was sixteen I started writing a story about a girl whose family (some blood kin, others found family) are a group of misfits and outcasts cursed to wander the earth until they can discover a doorway back to their home world which is the only place they can access the cure to their malady. When I was seventeen I realized that all three of these stories were actually parts of the same story and started the work of cobbling them together, of redefining and reshaping plot lines and reintroducing myself to characters, of expanding worlds and figuring out how to best interweave several different narratives into one.<br />
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One thing became apparent immediately: a common theme in all of this was the idea of HOME - of finding a home, making a home, longing for a home, etc. I had lived most of my life in the same place, venturing only a few hours away for college, traveling frequently but always for short spurts - the longest of these being six months in London, just long enough to satisfy my wanderlust but short enough that I could be back with friends and family for the usual summertime activities. In short, I had never known the kind of experiences so many of these characters I was writing about had gone through. And it showed.<br />
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I know it's preposterous to claim that writers need to go through the same things as their characters to write about them well. I know that with my head, and yet... something was missing. I was also at a complete standstill in my life. I was in a career that I enjoyed and yet was not making enough money to pay the rent, and it didn't seem like things were going to change there for me anytime soon. I applied for other jobs but nothing came of it. That's when I started looking into grad school, but all the places I would got for a Masters in literature were too competitive, and all the places I wanted to go for an MFA in Creative Writing were too competitive <i>and</i> too expensive, and it was only when I got drunk on prosecco one night and started trawling the internet for information on grad schools that I spotted something about a degree in folklore at a school up in Newfoundland.<br />
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Folklore. Hmm. I knew nothing about folklore, except for fairies and folk tales, both of which I liked. Newfoundland. I knew nothing about Newfoundland whatsoever, but all the pictures made it look cheerful with all those pretty colorful houses set against the craggy hills. It was in Canada, and a part where they spoke English so I wouldn't have to learn an entirely new language to go there. They didn't require me to take the GRE. Their tuition was actually affordable. Before I knew what was happening, I was downloading a bunch of information on the application procedures and making checklists about who I'd need to contact for letters of recommendation and what I'd need to do to get my study permit.<br />
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At the front of my mind I was thinking, "Hey, this is the way I will change my life. I can go and get a degree and by then I will have figured my life out and can come back and start an actual career." At the back of my mind I was thinking, "If I do this, I will finally know what it's like to be far away from home. I'll learn what it's like to not belong there, but then come back and find you've changed and the place has changed and you don't really belong at home either. I'll finally have what I need to finish this story." So I applied, I was accepted, and I went.<br />
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Right away I knew I liked folklore but that it wasn't a discipline I wanted to pursue with any seriousness. I felt like the titular character in The Ugly Duckling (though that's always seemed a rather self-congratulatory story to me). The point is, when it came to me and the other folklorists around me, we both had feathers and webbed feet and bills, we both glided through the water and flew through the air, and yet we weren't quite the same. It was subtle differences that made me understand I didn't belong there. But I had gotten drunk that one night on my couch, and I'd followed up on it after, and here I was in a new place meeting all these new people and having these cool experiences and even though I didn't really want to go through with this I might as well go through with it because what else do you do when you board a train except stay aboard until you make it to the final destination?<br />
<br />
I didn't write a word of fiction in the two years I was away in Newfoundland. This is important. This is very, very significant. Because my whole life that's who I've been - the writer. And for two years I was unable to do the thing I loved most. Because I was trying to be someone I wasn't. Because I had signed up for this and thought it was what I needed to do. I tried to make it better by picking a subject for my thesis that I cared about. But I ran into complications there as well. I chose the subject of wizard rock, which involved attending events in Ireland (LeakyCon 2017) and the U.S. (MISTI-Con 2017 and some other wrock shows). I didn't realize that one provision for me receiving U.S. student aid while attending a foreign university was that I was not allowed to conduct research in the U.S. In order to continue to receive the funds I needed to continue my work I would have to either pursue a different subject, or continue writing about wizard rock but not using any information gathered in my time in the U.S. I was encourage by many people (including people in official positions at the school) to simply lie to the student loan office and conduct my research anyway. But I felt wrong doing this while signing an ethics document that claimed I was doing everything above board. So I left Newfoundland without finishing the degree, and am now back where I started, except working at a far less rewarding job, and appearing to basically everyone I know to have become a total failure.<br />
<br />
But.<br />
<br />
But I know some things now that I didn't two years ago. I know what it's like to not belong anywhere. I know what it's like to mess up, and badly, and in a way you can't fix. I learned (quite unfortunately) what it's like to do something unforgivable, and the weight you carry around with you always at the memory of it. I heard stories from actual refugees through my work as a research assistant for a professor. I met amazing people from all around the world. I made new friends. I figured out that even if home is a place, it isn't really. That human beings are these incredible creatures that have figured out a way to create a home wherever they go. I thought when I moved up to Newfoundland that I would be like this monk. That I'd have my little cell, and go about my days outside of classes in a sort of solitude, where I could work on my classwork and work on my book and be free of the connections that had also been distractions in my daily life before. But that's preposterous. I found people up there just like I have people down here. We forged new bonds, created memories, formed a sort of found family.<br />
<br />
And I have what I need now to tell my story. I just need to get well (I've been sick, and it's terrible), get organized (I've been in a state of flux with too much stuff and too little space after moving and emptying my storage unit), and get serious (self-discipline has always been a problem for me, and it's the monster I'll need to tackle if I want to finish this book once and for all).<br />
<br />
I'm only a failure if I stop here. If I get up and keep going and show everyone what I've been keeping inside all these years, then maybe it wasn't all a waste. We'll have to see.Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-64342584037590402852018-08-05T01:50:00.000-04:002018-08-05T01:50:09.353-04:00The StoneThey say it was Excalibur that chose Arthur, that the sword itself knew the proper soul to wield it, but I think it was really the stone. The stone held the sword so firmly all those years, resisting the strongest of men, and the stone ultimately chose to let go.<br />
<br />
There are flashy tools with fancy names that will get all the glory, but if you want to look for real power seek out the plain things in this life.<br />
<br />
In the end Cinderella's slipper wasn't important because it was glass, but because it was a shoe - and one that fit only her.<br />
<br />
What's an enchanted key with no lock to open?<br />
<br />
And why else do you think it's brooms that fly, mirrors that speak, and spinning wheels that prompt enchanted slumber?<br />
<br />
Magic is everywhere, if you only know where to look for it.Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-37322124375613569152018-07-18T00:13:00.006-04:002018-07-18T00:13:58.597-04:00ScrapsMy hand pressed flat against the glass<br />
palm lines looking like cracks<br />
but no<br />
just head and heart and life<br />
<br />
Rain speckled on the other side<br />
I thrust it open wide<br />
and oh<br />
the sparkles scatter down<br />
<br />
It's just, I've been around<br />
for long enough to know<br />
that it's all come to nothing<br />
and I should probably just go<br />
We've known our share of sorrows<br />
We've tasted hints of bliss<br />
But nobody likes listening<br />
to prophets reminisce.Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-9305665891082925012018-06-29T22:23:00.000-04:002018-06-29T22:23:49.641-04:00Broken WorldI've just discovered <a href="https://www.wearetheinterrupters.com/" target="_blank">The Interrupters</a> and am loving their new album, especially this song. It's simple, repetitive, and a bit shout-y. The lyrics advocate radical kindness and revolutionary empathy, and are so naively optimistic you can't tell if they're foolish or wise (or both); you just find yourself wanting to believe in them anyway.<br />
<br />
(...so, basically it's like someone rolled my essence into a 2 minute and 42 second punk song that I will now proceed to play on repeat for the next week.)<br />
<br />
<iframe allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/0LBixXrLeXI" width="560"></iframe>Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-22436969610107813562018-06-23T00:23:00.003-04:002018-06-23T00:24:11.561-04:00Reminder from Cape Spear<style type="text/css">
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The guns of war have rusted and the dandelions grow.</div>
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Junk metal and a small, persistent weed.</div>
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Much of the world is strange to me but this I know:</div>
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Agents of destruction will one day be laid low</div>
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And a restless wind bears forth rebellion’s seed.</div>
<br />
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<br />Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-80180895186795534192018-03-25T00:23:00.001-04:002018-03-25T00:24:58.152-04:00I Love Love, Simon<div style="border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: "helvetica neue", helveticaneue, helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin-bottom: 15px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">
<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">I saw <i>Love Simon </i>for the first time on my birthday (the Saturday of its opening weekend). Just got out of my third time seeing it tonight. (Spoilers ahead, so be warned.) The theatre was packed; even the front row was full, which made my heart happy because I want this movie to make lots of money so they'll make more like it. As things got started I could tell from many of the reactions that most people were seeing it for the first time. Yay! Love that kind of crowd. We settled in to enjoy.</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYs4z8oa92eKT2SU4oeQe6tmLqeVaDCLfDUS1Vxn-HWOiT2lYiGcKDPvqJes1VItA70lGSFcSJkVDUb5JhOig2dyr6pZMd7joYCXc988EjNyKj2fHfODoyIDjEeb98GfdlLgmk17wwycw/s1600/DOOikyJV4AAJ2tm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYs4z8oa92eKT2SU4oeQe6tmLqeVaDCLfDUS1Vxn-HWOiT2lYiGcKDPvqJes1VItA70lGSFcSJkVDUb5JhOig2dyr6pZMd7joYCXc988EjNyKj2fHfODoyIDjEeb98GfdlLgmk17wwycw/s320/DOOikyJV4AAJ2tm.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">During Simon’s talk with his mom later in the film ( ❤️) the screen started getting a bit dark and flickery but it self-corrected after a while so I didn’t worry too much. I was disappointed as it’s a beautiful moment in the film and I hoped it hadn’t detracted from people hearing what she was saying, because seriously… SO important. But I didn’t think much more of it at the time.</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH0BuKFHjb2i7rFYbTACE9NfGhTbW0XKuhpycHvlVvk5Xwg7UHGfYBWToZh6ZfyIw8sgb4Kzca14yz63jIQz41sFd2ALR0YXlHq7wQOYjz87EVn4bdUNsBPNQsBxnp-EzVJNVdTDG8icI/s1600/rs_1024x520-180316133627-1024-jennifer-garner-love-simon-031618.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><img border="0" height="162" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH0BuKFHjb2i7rFYbTACE9NfGhTbW0XKuhpycHvlVvk5Xwg7UHGfYBWToZh6ZfyIw8sgb4Kzca14yz63jIQz41sFd2ALR0YXlHq7wQOYjz87EVn4bdUNsBPNQsBxnp-EzVJNVdTDG8icI/s320/rs_1024x520-180316133627-1024-jennifer-garner-love-simon-031618.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Anyway, we’re watching and Simon makes his romantic gesture Creek Secrets post, and we see the production of <i style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Cabaret</i>, and his friends make up with him and they go to the carnival together, and it starts to get dim again and I’m thinking <i style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Oh</i> <i style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">no</i>. But it’s still playing. He boards the Ferris Wheel. Ride after ride and no one shows. Last call ( 💔). Martin steps up… AND THE SCREEN GOES BLACK.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Every single person in the theatre screamed. Not exaggerating. One long horrified wail: <i style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Nooooooooo</i>.</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVWvPG2nKGuaT9rM3ZfOalOZjZDQRXwShHjvzf5jCsbfieL2B5pcmHrN40iS_eEQhGQpy7xkUHRCMGBHsDwC6i3etYQ1YvkCkHHwXA0raMNd3iBvwfpL4lk0eF32rqE1-nWEjUn7n08Lo/s1600/14d190a6aecce7d911429025239.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVWvPG2nKGuaT9rM3ZfOalOZjZDQRXwShHjvzf5jCsbfieL2B5pcmHrN40iS_eEQhGQpy7xkUHRCMGBHsDwC6i3etYQ1YvkCkHHwXA0raMNd3iBvwfpL4lk0eF32rqE1-nWEjUn7n08Lo/s320/14d190a6aecce7d911429025239.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">Then we’re holding our breaths because the audio is still working. It’s like the slo-mo of a clock in the movies where every tick of the second hand reverberates like a door slam. Will the picture come back? Does anyone dare leave their seat to report it? I can feel all these people in the dark around me praying to the movie gods: <i style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">please</i>, <i style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">please</i>, <i style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">pleassssseeeee</i>….</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">And - glory, hallelujah! - the image came back. Dim, and a bit wobbly, but just in time to see Blue bound up and join Simon on the Ferris Wheel. Everyone cheered. The girl next to me spilled the rest of her tub of popcorn on the floor and didn’t even care.</span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEWz_8hVRqFAOF5M4OW9kvq6ppUIHl4AwQMg1RozqIbCukY9DWc-DMrr1HHho3LKWPi3zOE3oJHldZReoEU_RrauLIItb4MJFs1oLMuT1fEc3FJTCa5Zhq5-YBIG2dVvgreh3rlFXpnFI/s1600/F596E124-9359-4D6A-88BA-5FD03F7F3F1C.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;"><img border="0" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEWz_8hVRqFAOF5M4OW9kvq6ppUIHl4AwQMg1RozqIbCukY9DWc-DMrr1HHho3LKWPi3zOE3oJHldZReoEU_RrauLIItb4MJFs1oLMuT1fEc3FJTCa5Zhq5-YBIG2dVvgreh3rlFXpnFI/s320/F596E124-9359-4D6A-88BA-5FD03F7F3F1C.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">The picture held for the rest of the movie and even brightened to normal for the kiss, as if trying to make up for past sins. When the lights came up everyone was smiling, but with the wild-eyed relief of people whose plane had just landed safely after life-flashing-before-your-eyes type turbulence. We had survived a collective <i style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">experience, </i>y'all<i style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; border: 0px; box-sizing: border-box; font-family: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: none 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">. </i>But Simon got his man and we actually got to see it, so in the end all was right with the world.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: white;">(Still… here’s hoping viewing #4 isn’t such a nail biter!)</span></span></div>
Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-29422418367427101312018-03-15T16:04:00.001-04:002018-03-15T16:04:30.255-04:00:(It's raining outside, and so gloomy.<br />
<br />
I'm supposed to read three articles before class tomorrow and write engagement papers about two of them.<br />
<br />
I'm going to see my friend Yohei perform in <i>Rent</i> in about 2.5 hours.<br />
<br />
I'm dieting, which means it's hard to think about anything but what I'll be eating next. Dinner is the current upcoming meal. I have to keep it in the 500 calorie range. I'm trying to lose 68 pounds before Vanessa's wedding in August.<br />
<br />
I'm struggling with the realization that I'm a failure.<br />
<br />
I've told Katrina I can live with her when I come back but I don't think I can. My monthly expenses will come to $1,000 even before rent because of my stupid debt.<br />
<br />
I'm struggling with the fact that easily 80% of that debt was accrued just in coming up here to get a degree I don't want in a subject I don't understand in a place I don't like very much.<br />
<br />
I'm also realizing that if I don't really kill myself to get stuff done between April and August that I won't even actually get the degree.<br />
<br />
I'm screwed in a lot of ways, and the rain is falling outside, and the sinus pressure headache I've been fending off with pseudoephedrine for a week is still there lurking, waiting to strike again.<br />
<br />
It's my birthday in 29.5 hours, and I'm lonely and I miss my family and friends.<br />
<br />
So, you know. Those are just some of the things I might tweet today on this twitter-feed-for-one. Except they're too depressing. Nobody wants to read what you actually think.<br />
<br />
Unfollow.Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-23143018277509699112018-03-08T12:39:00.001-05:002018-03-08T12:39:47.242-05:00Twitter for One (Without the Character Limit)I'm trying this thing where anything I'd be tempted to post on Twitter I post here instead.<br />
<br />
Today's entry:<br />
<br />
When you have a migraine and a nosebleed at the same time, it feels like your brain's exploding and seeping out onto your chin.<br />
<br />
#goodtimesGrace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2006506778882592647.post-47826340985608425222018-03-07T12:30:00.002-05:002018-03-07T12:30:53.076-05:00Green With Envy, and Really, It's a Seasonal Color, So I Don't Know Why You're Judging Me Like ThatI'm so bored here.<br />
<br />
I don't want to do the things I'm supposed to do (i.e. read articles and books on boring, confusing subjects for class or transcribe for my grad assistantship or write my thesis).<br />
<br />
I don't really want to go out and do things, with the exception of seeing movies (up here, it's all "heritage this" and "handmade or homegrown that," and a bunch of bands playing, which I might enjoy except there are all these unwritten rules that make me feel like a dumb outsider every time I try to go to one of these things).<br />
<br />
I don't really want to get up and go out at all. Like, it's cold and drab outside, and where would I walk? To campus? Downtown, where there are shops for me to spend money I shouldn't be spending and restaurants for me to eat food I shouldn't be eating (I'm on the diet/exercise regime again, we'll see how long it lasts). I miss having a job, like a real job where I make an almost-living wage in exchange for the things that occupy my time. I was thinking about starting on some adventure boxes, because that was a really fun project over Christmas and I'd like to possibly expand it into a business opportunity, but I don't want to accrue any extra stuff up here because I'm going to have to figure out a way to get all my stuff home in about half a dozen suitcases between now and August, and I'm only returning home once before The Final Return. (Dramatic capitalization to emphasize feelings of dread.)<br />
<br />
To be fair, most people I know all have obvious issues too. They have families and lives and responsibilities, but they're open about the fact that they don't have their shit together. Some days are hard. I appreciate that.<br />
<br />
Then there's the girl I grew up with at church who was always so awkward and ended up marrying this military guy who seemed so controlling at the time that we all felt kind of bad for her. But she's travelled the world with him, going to all these cool places. She doesn't have my money problems or my health issues or seemingly any mental health problems at all. She has a spouse who loves her, friends who care about her, and in the last several years she's developed a passion for art and been going to conventions and selling her art online and making this successful side business with this creative passion of hers. And now, today, she's gone on Facebook looking for advice for people about whether she should self-publish her illustrated YA novel or try to ship it around to publishers. And the thing is, she's <i>good</i>. She'll find an agent and get the thing published, I know she will. And it's just like - gah. The envy in my heart right now. Like, I could burst into tears. Because she's had this pretty, nice, easy life, right? At least that's what it looks like from the outside. Like she has everything. And now she's going to be successful at the one thing I care about but have never been able to do properly. She's going to have this, and I'm just a failure.<br />
<br />
Because of course that's the thing I should be doing with my time. Writing. But the walls inside my own mind seem to make even that impossible these days.<br />
<br />
Maybe someday I'll be able to say this was all just me building up experiences I could use in my storytelling. Like, how could I write about how pathetic Sid's shut-in lifestyle is unless I experienced it myself? How could I write about Em's experiences with not having a home anywhere unless I knew that myself? How could I write about the Doorkeeper trapped in the House, unless I knew a bit of that eternal cabin fever myself?<br />
<br />
But the thing about writers is our trade is in lies. Even failed writers like me are still good at making up deceptions. And the biggest deception I'm spinning is that somehow all of this will be worth it, that I'm any good at anything, that I shouldn't just give up and never try again.<br />
<br />
Ugghhhhhhhhhh.<br />
<br />
Maybe I should just call it quits, go back home to my family, and try to clean up all my messes.<br />
<br />
Or maybe I should just take a walk to clear my head.Grace Dowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08345680855139176899noreply@blogger.com0