I've come up with something I think may help alleviate the panic-attack feeling I get every time I think about school. There's one class in particular that's just evil. I hate the way it sounds; I don't want any part in it. If I'm unsure if I'm even going to continue in the program after this semester, I may as well avoid the stupid class (it's also the one that meets on Thursdays, ruining many of my plans and weekend getaways). According to the stafford loan site, my loan is good as long as I'm enrolled at least half time. And since 9 hours is considered full time for grad work, my 6 hours would qualify as at least half time.
So I drop the class I don't like, I persevere with the two others (Children's Materials and Introduction to Library Science), and decide things at the end of the semester. If I continue with the program after all, this little stunt may mean graduating in 2 years instead of a year and a half. No cost difference, just extra time... Ah well. But if I don't, then it let's me avoid a massive and unnecessary headache (in the form of stupid Info Sources class), while maintaining some semblance of sanity.
I am considering this option: because all the money and registration stuff comes through me, I'm considering not telling my parents that I'm dropping the Thursday class. I'm considering making Thursday my own unofficial "class." Designating it as a specific time to go somewhere away from the house and just WRITE. I don't know where... the library? A coffee house? I need to figure that out. But basically... from 5 - 9ish each Thursday (4 hours!) I'd have time to be creative in my own way. NOT to do homework. NOT to focus on school or HPA stuff. This would be time that everybody else thought I didn't have but that I do... secret time. Me time. Sacred. I like this idea a lot.
So what seemed like a bad thing may in fact be a good thing. Maybe something good will come of this. We shall see. It gives me a little time to make decisions; it gives me time to gain some perspective and reevaluate maybe taking my depression meds and see if that helps with this stupid the-sky-is-falling attitude I have about school. But if by the end of this semester I still don't have a peace about this, well... what am I out, really? All things together, about 1200 bucks. Maybe 1300. Not horrible. And that's for 2 classes that, even if they don't end up going toward a degree, at least add to my knowledge about books and the people who are responsible for their distribution and organization in public settings.
Okay. Okay, yes. This will work, I think. I'm going to sleep on this; I'm not dropping officially yet. I've got til Friday, but I kind of want to do it tomorrow.
Goodnight. Dear sweet Jesus, I hope this all works out okay in the end.